This is perhaps the hardest post that I’ve ever had to make but I’ve put this off for months after getting weekly promptings to share. The internet can be such a judgey place so I’ve hesitated sharing this but hopefully my story can help someone out there.

Last summer, pretty soon after I had my second baby, postpartum rage and depression snuck up on me and nearly destroyed my mental health and my marriage. The unfortunate part was, I didn’t recognize what was happening at first. The very first sign that I was dealing with postpartum rage was being kept awake to the very early morning hours because of sheer anger. I would just lay in bed seething about random things that honestly weren’t that big of a deal. But in my head, they were huge. I would literally lay there making lists and lists on my phone of all the things I was mad about. Unfortunately, this anger was directed at my partner.

This behavior is very unlike me which should’ve been my first sign. I don’t have many traits that I’d boast about but one that I’ve worked hard to develop is the ability to quickly and sincerely forgive. But during this time period, the most random things would pop into my head and fill me with straight rage and I simply could not let them go.

My husband is a stay-at home day and I work from home. During the day, I would be filled with rage over the simplest of things that he would do but in the moment and in my head, they were these gigantic offenses. I probably exploded at my husband once a day. After an explosion, I would just be left with this overwhelming and hopeless despair. It was all-consuming. Once again, I should’ve recognized what was happening because I’m typically a very happy and positive person.

One day, I remember getting so mad at something that Steve did that I flew down the stairs where Steve and the kids were hanging out and I let him have it. We got into a yelling match (which is also so very unlike us) and after I stormed back upstairs. Before going back into my office I looked downstairs and I saw the look my two year old gave me of complete shock of what he had just saw. I was heartbroken.

The depression flooded my mind and in the moment I decided that we needed a separation so my kids wouldn’t have to witness our fights and my sudden outbursts. I felt so alone and I felt hopeless of bettering the situation and thought this was the only way to fix things. In my depressed state, it was so much easier thinking to just give everything up than it was to work to figure out what was going on. I started having horrible thoughts like the kids and Steve would be much better if I wasn’t in the picture.

I’ll skip over all the details that unfolded but after many conversations around this topic of me telling Steve that I thought we needed a divorce, he said something along the lines of, “I’m still not 100% sure that this isn’t something postpartum.” I was so offended by this statement because what I was going through in my head felt so real and raw. After he said that though is when I decided I needed to reach out to a trusted source to get her opinion on what was happening.

I gave her a call and explained everything that was going on and happening and she just sat and listened to me. While she did validate what I was feeling, she asked some tough questions that made me start thinking that I was in fact dealing with postpartum rage and depression.

Long story short, it started to dawn on me that what I was feeling may not be a true representation of what was actually happening. I started to recognize that the extreme rage and depthless despair that I was feeling was coming from postpartum rage and depression.

After this, came the “typical symptoms” of postpartum depression that I knew how to recognize previously (withdrawing from others, lack of interest in things that I typically like, neglecting myself, etc.)

Basically what shocked me was how much anger suddenly came into my life and sadly was directed at my spouse. I wish I had known about this beforehand so I could’ve come equipped with the thought of “maybe this is postpartum rage” instead of the thought “I hate my husband this must mean things are over.”

Luckily, we had an amazing community come together for us. We had parents, siblings, my doctor and even church leaders come in and support us. I started learning coping mechanisms to deal with rage when it unexpectedly would appear during the day. The crushing feeling of depression started to leave. And day by day, it started to get better.

Having kids has been the biggest blessing in my life. Dealing with postpartum mental health though has by far been the hardest trial of my life. I hope anyone reading this that feels like there are going through this too feels less alone knowing that there are so many women who have similar experiences after birth.

I truly don’t know if this experience will help anyone out there reading it. But I’m so eternally grateful for those special people in my life that helped me during an extremely distressing period in my life. I’m also very lucky that postpartum rage and depression did not last a very long time for me and that with help, I was able to get it under control.

If anything I hope this offers a message of hope. My husband and I have worked so hard this last year to repair and build up our marriage again and we are at are happiest we’ve ever been in our marriage. Of course, we don’t have a perfect marriage but we feel so blessed to have been able to weather the storm of postpartum rage and depression. THERE IS HOPE!

Here are some great resources if need help!

Postpartum rage article from the Cleaveland Clinic

Postpartum depression article from Mayo Clinic